A few english jokes - part II
Mai '97
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted
by a little chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "you sign!
You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete
amazement when the chinese man starts to yell louder. "you sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "look mate,
you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Sod off." and shuts the door in his
face.
The next day he hears a knock at
the door again. When he opens it, the little chinese man is back, with
a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under nelsons
nose, yelling "you sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked
off by now, so he shoves the little chinese man back, shouting: "Look,
sod off you little chinky slanty eyed prick!
You've got the wrong bloke! I don't
want them!" then slams the door in his face again.
The following day Nelson is resting,
and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening
the door, the little chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose,
shouting "You sign! You sign!".
Behind him are TWO large trucks
full of car parts.
Nelson loses his temper completely,
picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "look, I don't
want these! Do you understand?
You must have the wrong name! Who
do you want to give these to?"
The little chinese man looks at
him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "you not Nissan Maindealer?"
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What
a nice Gauddam Fish!"
The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't
use God's name in vain."
The man said, "But that's the SPECIES
of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."
The sister said, "Oh, ok." She
took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam
Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said,
"Sister, you know better than that."
The nun said, "That's the species
of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well,
give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish,
Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam
Fish that the sister caught."
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said,
"Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, "But that's
the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
Monsignor said, "Well give me the
Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was
a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."
In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you,
I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam
Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief,
quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and
a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's
bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come
in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said
the little boy.
After a while the boy came into
the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop,"
said the boy. "Yes," replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown
cow."
There was a sudden lull in the
conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son,
you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say
'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the
bull surprises the white cow."
The father went back inside the
house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise
the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the
brown cow again!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous
he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following
note on his door.
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not
12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not
10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he
did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ
as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not
kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock
and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross
as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread
at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body",
he did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not reffered
to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before
a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a
taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.
Taffy's.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops
for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The
judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second
chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court,
and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well,
your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people?
That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this...
. _
. / \
. | | O
. \ _ /
and told them this (the big circle)
is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after
drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge."And
you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded
156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How
did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach.
(draws two circles)
. _
. / \
. O | |
. \ _ /
I said (pointing to the small circle)
"this is your asshole before prison, ..."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle
aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor
says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back
at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem
at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the
church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged
couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week
was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple
of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the
church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed
couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able
to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage
of her right there."
"You understand of course, this
means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man,
"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
The pretty teacher was concerned with one
of her eleven-year- old students. Taking him aside after class one day,
she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile,
she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently,
"don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband
of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said
reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
A young man was delighted to finally be asked
home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time.
He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived
punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one
of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized
he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart
escaped.
"Spot!" called out the young woman's
mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the
dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one
go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the
fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really
big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get
over here before he shits on you!"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally
appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through
the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and
the co-pilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with
huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it
must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the
engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other
with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately
to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating
rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and
as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices
are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has
less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch
of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment
the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot
breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these
days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A recent Italian immigrant attends his first
baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans
roaring run....run!
The next batter connects heavily
with the ball and the Italian stands up and roars with the crowd in his
thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and
again the Italian, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams
"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing
at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Italian stands up yelling
"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle
quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment
whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Italian
stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walka with pr-r-ride man!
April '97
A little old lady walked into the
main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her
hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the
3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the
bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the
bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into
the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted
to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that
the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted up stairs
and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she
stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on
a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such
a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet
for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.
"I bet" she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the president.
"As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained
that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she
said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will
be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker
and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose.
For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that
evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and
took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There
was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work
and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went.
He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00
for doing nothing?
At 10:00 am sharp, the little old
lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the
president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him
that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was
a large amount of money involved.
"Well", she asked, "what about
our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this,"
he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this,
but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought
that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to
bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine.
The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against
the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the president
asked.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him
$100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president
of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
In France, the young assistant pastors do
not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young
assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the
young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down
deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and
the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured
the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was
the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper
came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came
for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt
it but I'll write him a letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear
Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying
you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been
missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the
letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying
that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not
sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in
your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
A customer went into a pub and out of his
coat pocket, he produced a 14-inch little man who plays the piano. The
landlord was very impressed and ask him where he got this little pianist
from.
He said: "I was clearing an old
aunty's loft and found this lamp and when I rubbed it a genie appeared
and granted me a wish."
The landlord said: "That's good!,
can I borrow this lamp?"
"Sure!" said the customer handing
over the lamp.
The landlord took the lamp and
rubbed it and out came a duck with a halo on its head.
"Funny, I didn't wish for that!!"
said the landlord, to which the customer replied:
"Did you think I would wish for
a fourteen inch pianist!"
The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going
and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy
early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was
caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery
in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
Foul play has not been ruled out...
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon
in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse
than usual. We're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking
down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says,
"Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the civil
verdict and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the freeway
and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on
fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Brown and Goldmans. I'm
walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much
have you got so far."
"So far....ten gallons."
One of the reps, traveling by plane, was
in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door, it
was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested he use
the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons
on the wall. The buttons were marked, "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR".
Eventually his curiosity got the
best of him, and sitting there he carefully pressed the first button marked
"WW". Immediately, warm water sprayed gently over his behind. This, he
thought, was completely out of this world. The button marked "WA" was next,
and warm air completely dried his butt. Golly, he thought, the gals really
have it make. He next pushed the "PP" button, which yielded a large powder
puff patting his bottom lightly with a scented powder.
Naturally, he could not resist
the last button marked "ATR".
When he awoke in the hospital,
he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out,
"What happened?? The last thing I can remember, I was in the ladies room
aboard a 747".
The nurse replied: "Yes, you were,
but you were cautioned about pressing any buttons. Obviously you were having
a great time, until you pressed the one marked "ATR" which stands for "Automatic
Tampon Remover"...
A boy and his father visiting from a third
world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
back together again.
The boy asked his father "What
is this Father?".
The father responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were
watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued
to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened
up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go
get your mother!"
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings
the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says
"You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give
you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second
and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows
one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and
Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll
give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks
what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris
thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he
can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second
and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A professor, teaching a college sexuality
class, was discussing the wide variety of frequency-of-sex that could still
be considered normal. "Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient
frequency to satisfy--and that's fine. Yet others want to make love nightly--and
there's nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of
this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many people
here make love more than twice a week?"
A few hands shot up.
"Twice a week?"
A few more hands.
"Weekly, on average?"
Many hands.
"Once every two weeks?" he continued,
and "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally, "Once
a year?"
At this last category, one hand
shot up, waving most eagerly.
"Pardon my curiosity," the professor
asked, "but if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over
it?"
Replied the student, "Tonight's
the night!"
