Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Dog: yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian:
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Indian:
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Indian:
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep lie!!
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"
A gorilla escapes from the zoo one day and runs into a suburban area, where it climbs up a tree belonging to one Mr. Jones and won't come down.
Naturally, Jones is a bit worried about the gorilla, and so calls the local gorilla exterminator.
The exterminator arrives with a shotgun and a big mean doberman. "Mr. Jones, isn't it? I hear you have a gorilla problem. Well, you see, my assistant is out sick today, and I could use your help. Can you take me to the gorilla, first of all?"
Jones leads the exterminator to the tree where the gorilla is. "Okay," says the exterminator. "I'll need you to hold the shotgun. I'm going to loose the dog, and climb up this tree. When I get to the gorilla, I'll give the branch a good shake and he'll come falling out of the tree. Once he does, ol' Fido here is trained to jump on the gorilla and bite good and hard into his testicles, and he'll be helpless while I put the chains on him."
"I see," says Jones. "But, then, what is the gun for?"
"Oh, the gun is the most important part," says the exterminator. "If, by some chance, *I* should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla -- SHOOT THE DOG!"
There were two brothers, who were identical twins. Danny was married, but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat.
It just so happened that on the same day that Danny's wife died, Roy's boat sank. A kind old lady met Roy on the street and, mistaking him for his brother Danny, said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible."
Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and one leaked all over the place. What finished her off though, was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle."
The old lady fainted...
A man had a deaf woman as a wife, so in order to communicate with her, he had to use sign language. They soon got quite confused whenever either of them wanted to have sex. They made up a sign of their own for the action, and then the husband explained through signing, this to her:
"When I want to have sex, I will pull your left nipple one time."
She nodded in understanding.
"When I do not want to make love, I will pull your left nipple twice"
She nodded again.
"When you want to have sex, you pull my dick one time."
She smiled and nodded.
"But when you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 357 times."
One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his cows?
"Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.
The farmer replies "Well it wasn't very happy about it".
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Heck, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.
"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.
When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."
"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose..."
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender. While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.
The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is wrong with your monkey?
He just ate one of the pool balls!" The guy replies, "I can't help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to stop it." He takes the monkey and leaves.
A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.
The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is he doing now?"
"He still pretty much eats everything, but after the pool ball a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats something..."
A single father and his 6 month old baby are sitting in the doctors waiting room. The baby is crying its lungs out. A concerned women cannot take it any longer and while walking upto the baby she can smell the reason for the baby's distress:
-Sir, I think your baby needs a new nappy.
And when she unvails the baby she notices this dighper ready to burst.
-Sir, this nappy should have been changed days ago!
The father replies:
-Do you know how much these things cost? Anyway on the packet it says: upto 5 kilograms.
Well, one night Superman is flying around in searchof something to do. He looks down, sees Batman (with his X-ray vision, of course) and asks him: "Hey Batman, do you want to go out and raise some hell tonight?" "Sorry, Super, I can't. I have to fix the Batmobile tonight, can't fight crime without it..." So Superman starts flying again. Next, he sees Spiderman, but he's busy too. Finally, just as he was getting tired, he spots Wonder Woman, laying on her back naked, by the swimming pool. "Wow, what luck" Superman says to himself. "You know, I've always wondered if I really was faster than a speeding bullet! I've got to take advantage of this opportunity." So he flies down, does his business in less than a second, and he's gone just like that. Wonder Woman, perplexed, says "What was that?!" "I don't know, but it sure hurt a lot!" says Invisible Man as he gets up off of her.
Three guys are up on the roof of the world trade center when the first says to the second "Did you know that the wind currents are so strong up here that if you jumped off, they would blow you right back up?" The second guy tells him he's full of shit and dares him to try it. The first guy says OK and jumps off. He falls down, down, down, and slows down until he is actually coming back up. Plop! He lands right back where he was. The second guy is so impressed that he decides to try it himself. He climbs up, jumps off and gets turned into a rather large pile of reddish colored jelly on the pavement below. At this point, the third guy turns to the first and says "You know, sometimes you are a real ASSHOLE superman!"
Q - What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A - A circus is a cunning array of stunts!
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." the hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetary to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driwent dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male) "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets abouther virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Bad day, huh?" "You don't even know the half of it," the man says. "I just found out my oldest son was gay." "That is rough," the bartender says and pours the man's drinks. The next day, the same man comes into the bar, sits down, and orders ten shots. "Wow!" says the bartender. "Worse day than yesterday?" The man nods and says, "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too." "Oh, man," the bartender says, with heartflet sympathy, "That's too bad," and he pours the man's drinks. The next day, same man comes in, sits down, and orders twenty shots. "God damn!" says the bartender. "Doesn't anybody, at your house, like women?" "Yeah," the guy says, miserably. "My wife does."
Different guy goes into the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. the bartender says "Wow, what's up?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first blow job." "Man, that's great," says the bartender. Let me buy you a shot too." "No, thanks," replies the guy. "If 5 drinks doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 6 isn't going to do it either."
A fly is flying six inches above a lake. A fish sees the fly and says:
"If that fly drops 6 inches I've got myself lunch!"
A bear sees the fish and says: "if that fly drops 6 inches the fish will grab it I'll get the fish and have lunch."
A hunter sees the bear and says: "if that fly flys 6 inches lower the fish will grab it, the bear will grab the fish, I'll shoot the bear and get a trophy."
A mouse sees the fly and says: "if that fly drops 6 inches the fish will grab it the bear will grab the fish the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll have lunch."
Meanwhile a cat has been watching all this. Suddenly the fly drops 6 inches.
>THE FISH GRABS THE FLY
>THE BEAR GRABS THE FISH
>THE HUNTER SHOOTS THE BEAR DROPS HIS SANDWICH
>THE MOUSE GRABS THE SANDWICH
>AND THE CAT RUNS AFTER THE MOUSE JUMPS AND MISSES AND GOES RIGHT
>INTO THE LAKE!
What is the moral to this story?
WHEN A FLY DROPS 6 INCHES A PUSSY GETS WET!
There's this guy who from birth has been covered with boils. Well one day, completely by accident one of his boils gets popped, and puss starts leaking out. To stop it from getting on his clothes he wipes it up with his hand, but now his hand is covered in puss! So he thinks about it for a second, looks around to make sure that no-one is looking and starts to lick his hand clean. Much to his suprise he finds that he likes the taste of puss, so when he gets home he starts eating the boils right off of his skin and before he knows it he's eaten all of them! Well, he wants more so he puts an ad in the classifieds that reads:
"Male seeks female, BOILS A MUST! Call 555-1234"
That week he recieved lots of calls but he finally decided on one woman, who like him had been covered with boils from birth. On their first date they were sitting at dinner when he said to her, "Look, this may sound disgusting, and you may want to leave when you hear it but... I like to eat boils and I was wondering if I could eat yours."
"Well, it is kind of weird, but okay!" she replied.
They went home, and when they got there he stripped her naked and began to eat the boils. When they were all gone he looked at her and said "Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you, the only reason I went out with you was to get at your boils. I don't really think that we should see each other any more."
"Wait!" she said as he began to leave, "I have one more boil!"
"Really?" He asked, "Where?"
"Well," He thought "A boil's a boil." so he got down and began to eat her last boil. While he was doing this she cut the biggest fart, right in his face!!! He looked up at her and said
"You know, You are really disgusting!!!!!"
It is said, that when Nixon visited Moscow in '70-ties, He reproached Soviet authorities on lack of freedom of speach in their country.
"In America, everyone can go on the street, and shout: Nixon is asshole!"
"Why, in our country also everyone can go to the street and shout: Nixon is asshole!"
A rather hungry beggar enters the messroom, finds an unoccupied place and sits down. Opposite him sits a man with widely spread newspaper in front of him, fully absorbed in reading. His plate of soup is untouched, but the man does not budge. Our beggar grabs the plate, and swallows the soup with the lightning speed. Then suddenly he sees a dirty comb full of hair on the bottom of his plate. Here on the spot he throws up all he has eaten back to the plate. The man opposite carefully folds his newspaper, and addresses the beggar:
"Have you found a comb in the plate?"
"Ughhhh, yeah!!"
"Me, too."
Two Chinese people call each other on the phone:
- Hi, who's there?
- Yes, Hu's here. Who are you?
- I'm Yu.
- Are you Yu?
- Yes, I'm at the RUU, how did you guess?
q: why does beer go through your body faster than milk?
a: because it doesn't have to change colour
q: why does English beer go through your body faster than German Beer?
a: Because it doesn't have to change taste
q: What do you call a twelve year old American virgin?
a: Fuckin' ugly!!!
q: What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in bath?
a: The woman in church has hope in her soul, but
the woman in bath has soap in her hole...
q: Why coundn´t Jesus be born in England?
a: Because it required a virgin and three wise men...
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the wage rate.
Q: How do you make a dog drink ?
A: Put it in a blender.
Chairman Mao is asked about what he thinks of having a election
by a foreign journalist. He replies: "What do you mean election,
I have an election evely molning."
O.J. Simpson bought a knife
And turned it on his second wife;
Then told her, as the blade withdrew,
"Your waiter will be right with you."
Q: What's the difference between a Girl and a Pig?
A: About 10 pints of lager, oh well...
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.
A woman is walking down the street, when she sees a sign in the pet shop window, advertising clitoris licking frogs for $5. she immediately thinks "i'll have one of those", and goes into the shop. She leaves the shop ten minutes later with a frog in one pocket and an envelope containing instructions in the other pocket. she gets home and upon finding her husband at work, she decides to test the frog out. she goes up to her bedroom and opens the envelope. the first instruction says "get undressed", so she does. the next tells her to lie on her bed with her legs spread..which she does. then she reads that she hass to place the frog between her legs, which she does.. the final instruction is to tell the frog to do it, so she says to the frog" do it frog, do it" and nothing happens. again she tries " do it frog, do it" and again nothing happens. after about five minutes of this, the woman decides to ring up the pet-shop and complain. the owner listens carefully and tells her he'll be around in about 5 minutes. when he gets to her house, he promptly buries his head between her legs and says to the frog....." do i have to show you again !?"...............
One truck is passing another on a motorway. When the driver of the faster truck is at the level of cabin of the other, he looks over to see who the driver is. To his surprise, he sees a monkey sitting next to the driver. At the next truck stop, he sees the same truck again, walks up there and asks the driver why the hell he has this monkey with him.
Well, the other says, you know, these long trips, and I don't wanna catch something from these girls... so I taught this little beast how to give me a blow job.
You did WHAT ?
As I said, look, - and he sits back, drops his pants, takes out his cock, and makes the monkey sit in front of him.
Nothing happens.
Now, get on, he shouts and slaps the monkey's head several times. The monkey immediately starts giving head until the guy comes in his mouth.
Gosh, the other says, I've never seen something like that !
Hey, man, would you like to try it too? the guy with the monkey asks.
Hmm, well, yes, sure, but please don't hit my face that hard, will you?
I once knew a man who could twist
Having sufferd an organic list
His member was bent
And the stream that he sent
Caused him to spin when he pissed
q: How can you tell ET was a student?
a: He looks like one!
q: What was the last thing heard over the communications link to the S
Shuttle Challenger?
a: "Who let that woman drive?"
a: "What's this button for?"
What does a girl from (Alabama/Mississippi/Tennessee et.al.) say when she
looses her virginity? Get off me pappy, you're crushin' my cigarettes
Elephant talking to a nude man
"Yeah, sure its cute, but can you eat peanuts with it?"
q: Whats the difference between love and like?
a: swallow or spit...
Q: What do you do when you're baby starts to leek?
A: Take it back to the hospital I think its broken.
q: Whats worse than one baby nailed to one tree?
a: 1000 babies nailed to 1000 trees.
q: whats worse that that?
a: 1 baby nailed to 1000 trees :)
Q: The best way to accelerate your MAC?
A: 9.8 meters/sec/sec
An Apple a day may keep the doctor away but instead you get 6 repair
techs to fix the damn printer.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q. Waddya get if you mate a yank with a duck?
A. a large duck with lower than average intellegence.
>What has 100 tits and lurks in an alley??
>The dumpster behind the cancer clinic...
Why was the poof fired from the sperm-bank?
He was caught drinking on the job
What's the definition of a perfect man?
One that fucks 'til midnight, then turns into a pizza.
Why did God give women legs?
Well, you've seen the mess that snails make...
How do you get two piccolo players to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.
Ok, maddel!
Ich habe den G-Punkt gefunden...
...ich geh jetzt!
What has a moped and a fat woman got in common ?
They are both great fun until your mates see you on one.
Nymphomaniacal Jill
Tried dynomite for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
Q. What's the definition of confusion?
A. 100 blind lesbians in a fish market.
What's the similarity between english beer and having
sex in a canoe?
They're both fucking close to water.
A man goes to doctor, and says :
"Oh doc, what's wrong with me ? When I push my leg, it
hurts ,
When I push my chest, it hurts , When I push my head,
it hurts...
Actually, anywhere I push, it hurts...."
To which the Doc replies :
"Ah I see. What we have here is a broken finger..."
> Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
> I don't know dear, ask your father.
Q: What do you do to an elephant with three
balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino!
What's the difference between a catfish and
a lawyer?
One's a scum-sucking bottom-dweller and the other's a
fish.
How do you sink a swedish submarine?
Knock on the door!
How do you sink the same swedish submarine
a second time?
Knock on the door again. The captain will open the door
and tell you, that this trick doesn't work anymore.
Besides: The Swedish National Library recently
has been closed.
Someone stole the book.
There's two punks walking down the road,
the first with a massive green
mohican haircut. The second punk goes,
"I really like your hair, but what d' you do if a bird
craps on it??"
and the first punk replies...
"Well I don't go out with her again..."
The elderly gentleman confided in his doctor that he was
having a problem
with "silent gaseous emmisions."
" Last night," he said," I was sitting in the theater
with my wife, and I had *five* silent gaseous emmisions. This morning,
in the car, I had three. And just since I've been sitting here in your
office, I've had another five silent gaseous emmisions."
"First thing", said the doctor, "We're going to get your
hearing checked."
This is one of the best replies to drunken graffiti I've
ever seen:
"I fucked your Mother"
"Go home Dad, you're drunk"
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can!
because they like it!
Because no-one else will!
Two guys sitting on their front lawn having a beer noticed
a dog
across the street licking it's dick.
One guy said to the other, "Gee, I sure wish I could
do that."
The second one said, "You probably could, but you probably
should
scratch him on the neck for a while first.
What's so similar between an oven and a hot babe?
...Have to get them both warmed up and hot before you
put the meat in.
Q: Do you want to see an asshole wrapped in plastic?
Response: yes
Answer: Then look at your driver's license
Q. Why do you wrap insulating tape around a hamster?
A. So it dosent explode when youre fucking it!
Q. What do you call a hamster carrying a roll of tape?
A. Slut!
It's easier to get a pregnant elephant in a car than to
get
an elephant pregnant in a car.
What does NASA stand for? Nice Air Show Assholes!
or: Need Another Seven Astronaughts
What has sixteen balls and sings?
A quartet; one of the guys is a "tenner"!
Man: Excuse me, is that a mirror in your pocket?
Woman: No, why?
Man: Because I can sure see myself in your pants right
now.
Q. What's the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis, even a thought can lift it.
1st: I have 5 sons, enough for a basketball team!
2nd: I have 9 sons,enough for a baseball team!
3rd: I have 18 daughters, enough for a golf course!
The finnish party game has three variants.
1) Five fins drink five liters of alcohol. Then one of
them goes into a closet,
and the others try to guess who it is. Conversation is
allowed.
2) Two fins drink three liters of alcohol. Then one of
them goes into a closet,
and they try to guess who it is. Conversation is allowed
here as well.
3) One fin drinks two liters of alcohol. Then he tries
to guess whether his in
the closet or outside it. This is the hardest variant,
as he has noone to
conversate with....
>Mary had a little lamb,
>She tied it to a pylon.
>10,000 volts went up its arse,
>And now its wool is nylon.
Mary had a little lamb ,
It had good fun and frolics.
One day it jumped up in the air,
And landed on it's bollocks.
Mary had a little lamb,
Mary had a duck.
She put them on the mabtlepiece,
To see if they would..............play.
IV>what does a pussy and KGB have in common?
IV>one slip of the tongue and you're in shithole
Why do feel more comfortable with computers than women?
Well, do you know a woman who'd accept a 3 inch floppy?
Q: How are rocks and women similar?
A: The flat ones get skipped....
: What is the definition of pain?
: -Sliding down a 100 ft. razor blade on your ass, landing
on a tricycle
: with no seat, and then rolling into a pool of iodine.
PICKUP LINES: (Anmache)
: F*ck me if i'm wrong, but is your name Bob
: What a coincidince; you're blouse matches my sheets
: Do you wash your pants in Windex? I asked cause i can
see myself in
: them.
: or how bout the basic...Wanna have sex? you never know,
it could work
What is the difference between a ladies' track team and
a group of Pygmies?
The Pygmies are cunning runts.
Why do men give their dicks names?
Because they don't want 90% of their decisions made by
a complete stranger
Why don't men like to perform oral sex in the morning?
Did you ever try to open up a grilled cheese sandwich?
Why has an elephant got four feet?
Cos' it would look stupid with 6 inches !!!!!
How longs it take an American to have a shit?
9 months.
BOEING
Bits Of Engines In Neighbours Gardens
SABENA Such A Bloody Experience Never Again
LUFTHANSA Let Us Fuck The Hostess As No Steward About
BOAC Better Off on A Camel
In heaven, the cooks are french, the engineers are german, the policemen are British, the heartthrobs are Italian, and the bankers are Swiss. In hell, the cooks are British, the engineers are French, the policemen are Italian, the heartthrobs are German, and the bankers are still Swiss.
A six year old kid walks into the bathroom and sees her
dad in the nude and points at his hairy triangle and says "Daddy, what's
that?"
"It's a hedgehog" he says. She says "Fuckin' size of
the dick on it!"
A five year old kid sees his mother in the
nude and points at her muff and asks what it is. "Oh, that's where your
daddy hit me with an axe".
The kid says "What! right in the cunt!"
A kid asks her parents about their things,
'down there' and daddy says that his is a truck and mummy's is a garage.
Later that night the kid sees them bang at it and shouts "Look out dad!
your back wheels are hanging out!"
A kiddie sees her mum in the bath and points
at her muff and asks what it is, the mother says that it is her flannel.
"Oh" the kid said, "I thought so, because I saw his secretary
washing his face with it yesterday"
A kid walks into the bathroom and sees daddy
just about to put a condom on. Suprised, he drops to the floor to hide
himself.
"What are you doing daddy?" asks the kid.
"Err...I thought I saw a mouse down here!"he says.
"What were you gonna do? Fuck it?"
There was a man called Bruno
Who said, "there is something I do know"
"Lama's are fine, sheep are divine,
But women are numero-uno!"
What's dark and squishy and caught between
the toes of elephants?
Slow natives!
Once upon a time, a scientologist visited
Gary Drescher at home. He asked his host to take a Scientology(tm) Personality
Test.
"Why do you want me to take this test?" asked Gary.
"I want you to be happy."
Gary took the test, folded it in 4, put it in the toaster,
and pushed the button down.
"Why are you doing that?" asked the Scientologist.
"I want the toaster to be happy too."
Masochist to Sadist: Hurt me, for god's sake
hurt me!
Sadist to masochist: No...
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing
math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun how many would be left?
"None" replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.
Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like
the way you are thinking.
Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If
there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking
her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the
cone - which one is married?
Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking
the cone?
No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring
on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking...
Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him,
so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop
in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first
he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow
examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed.
Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said,
"That tennLater, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis
elbow is really acting up, huh?"
"The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked.
"No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained
that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every
physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but
it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf
course at three every afternoon.
Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide
another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.
Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table
talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have
some fun with the doctor. Ray pee'ed in the bottle, and so did his wife
and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another
idea. He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, then
beat off and added a few drops of semen. Then he shook up the bottle, drove
to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse.
This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray
sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All right, wise guy. I've
got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D.,
your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that
tennis elbow is never going to heal."
